Miguel and the Colonizer

Have you ever fallen in love with an idea? Something…or someone who was unattainable? Have you ever tried so desperately to contain your heart? Well, I recently came across a man who was met with heartbreak and a tormenting reality. This is a collection of his thoughts, poured from the very center of his soul and shared with you:

Interviewer: *glancing up from her notepad balanced in her lap* So…Miguel…why him?
Miguel: Wait *dry laughter*…Is that your first question? And, I mean, it’s not like it was intentional, it was out of the blue. I wasn’t going out seeking feelings, they just sort of fell into my lap. And trust me…I wish it was literally ANYBODY ELSE but him…
Interviewer: Why?
Miguel: Because he’s taken…? Because…because we work together and it’s hard to get over him when I’m so used to seeing him all the time…
Interviewer: I see…*jots down “likes a taken man” into her notebook*. And what did it feel like, exactly? Like if you had to put that emotion into words?
Miguel: What did what feel like…?!?
Interviewer: …the falling for him, I guess?
Miguel: How do you not even know what questions you’re asking me?
Interviewer: …is that an avoidance of the question?
Miguel: *rolls eyes and takes in a deep breath before slowly releasing it into a long sigh* I think…no, I know it felt like. Woah this is a lot, hold on.
Interviewer: Take your time, but we did start this session pretty late, so. No pressure tho.
Miguel: *crickets, then a sigh* It felt like my entire…*sigh* like I was being consumed…like all of my emotions are totally controlled by one person. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about it. About him. About how this is all just one big fantasy living in my head. I can’t eat…I think about it. I can’t go throughout my day without having some fond memory of him run circles around my head. It’s everything…everything is this person.
Interviewer: You just recently confided in your friends that you’re bisexual, right? Has it been hard? Coming to terms with your feelings? Grappling with this realization…with your sexuality? And on top of that knowing that the man you like is with a woman and in a long-term committed relationship at that?
Miguel: Yes.
Interviewer: How so?
Miguel: It’s the simple fact of me…dang..basically…you know how a little kid may be in a store with their mom and they want candy but can’t have it? It’s like that. Like you want something you know you can’t have…and it just causes you pain.
Interviewer: How long have you felt this way about him?
Miguel: About maybe…3-4 months…
Interviewer: Why now?
Miguel: Why now me admitting all this? Or this happening?
Interviewer: Admitting it.
Miguel: I mean, I’m not really admitting it. If I was really admitting it, I’d be telling him. I’m just…talking to myself and expressing my emotions. But to him, it’s still in the closet, still in the dark. Unlike me! *nervous laughter*
Interviewer: I guess I meant, why are you admitting it to your friends now? You know, coming out, especially in this way.
Miguel: Because I needed an outlet. I guess…I guess I saw my friends as being a safe-space for that emotional expression…I know there’s a lot of judgement behind it, not only me liking a man specifically, but also that he’s unavailable (and if that’s not enough he’s a white man…) And I know it may be wrong…but I just needed to let it out to somebody.
Interviewer: Have you gotten any negative feedback, so far?
Miguel: From my friends…?
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Miguel: They tell me I’m a homewrecker…that’s about it. That’s not really the case though…it’s just that I’m *whispers* in love with a cuffed man…It’s not really that I’m wrong for feeling this way, but it’s just *takes a second to contemplate his next words*…the circumstances behind this whole situation are…let’s say, less than ideal…
Interviewer: Does it hurt?
Miguel: *scoffs* uh…yes…yup…uh…okay okay…*quietly to himself* get your crap together…*sniffles* I never realized…I’m trying to…I’ve never experienced anything close to real heartbreak…but if this is anything close to that I really hate it…because it feels like…I’m suffocating….eevvveeerrryyyydaaaayyyy….and the moment I found myself sitting in my car alone crying at 2 in the morning…NAILED IT IN THE COFFIN FOR ME…that “you’re in love”…eeeewwwwwww….I just said that. No, it’s…“strong like”…don’t put that last part—
Interviewer: Oh, I am.
Miguel: Also, don’t put the spicy white part in there. Colonizer is good enough. Caucasian, salt n’ pepper…and don’t even get me started on when he talks about his girl…it makes me feel some type of way. I can’t really do anything about it…I’m just gonna suppress it, until it eventually dies…like everything else in my life. And it’s probably gonna explode one day…hopefully not…but if it does I hope it’s not around him…and then I’ll find somebody else.
Interviewer: What are the things that made these feelings…kind of…present themselves?
Miguel: *laughter* uh…crap…uh…it was the fact that I spend so much time with this person…I mean, we work together, so it’s hard not to notice things about him and like those things…his attributes…like idk the way he laughs, or how he smiles, the way he looks at me, or some stupid stuff like that…how he cares about me…idk…
Interviewer: *scribbles something quickly into her notepad* Ok, perfect, thank you for sitting down and talking to me.
Miguel: Wait, that’s it?
Interviewer: Yeah, this was some great content! I’m gonna embellish some of this though…
Miguel: What?
Interview: Yeah, readers love a bit of comedic entertainment these days, you know?
Miguel: What did you just write all of this down for if you’re just gonna take it and change it anyway? Let me see what you wrote!
Interviewer: You really don’t have to—
Miguel: *snatches notepad and scans over the words scratched between the lines* Um…what is this?!? *he points towards the last comment which reads “hopeless romantic, in too deep, no saving”*
Interviewer: *clasps fingers together and leans back into seat*…did I lie though—?
Miguel: I AIN’T TELL YOU TO DO ALL THAT!!! THIS IS MY LIFE!!! THIS IS NOT SOME MADE UP STORY IN YOUR HEAD!!!…*purses lips and thinks it over* But I mean…if you think the readers will like it…
Interviewer: They’ll love it!
Miguel: …then whatever…do what you want…I mean even I have to laugh rn…I’ll be going to sleep crying later tonight though…so if anything, whatever you come up with will be better and more interesting than this…